Lately I have been feeling a bit alone in life. Yes I have Chris, the baby, my family, That is all good. I have more than allot of people do in life and I am very grateful for the blessings I do have. So what am I missing? whats the problem?.
All of my life when I have made close friends with someone it seemed it would not be long before they moved away (in more recent years it has been I that did the moving). The theme has been with me from kindergarten right up to present day. I have been on this coast for nearly 5 years now and managed to connect with only two girls out here. One moved away and now lives in another city, we recently got back in touch online and send letters which I really enjoy :). The other left for Europe for 2-3 years and just moved back home a few months ago, she is a sweetheart but our schedules make meeting up at times a bit difficult.
I have tried connecting to other people and we do have fun at times, but it doesn't come naturally, its hard to be yourself. There are always people you can chat up and have fun with but its so hard to find the type of people you can really connect to. I guess I would best describe it as superficial friendships, people who you like but your values are just different enough you can never really get close to them. I also suffer from severe social anxiety, there are days I feel like everyone enjoys my company to my face as a social nicety but when I walk away they sigh with relief.
I figured why not check up on Facebook and see what old friends were up to, but I think that has only made the problem worse. I know people change, life gives you new experiences to learn and grow from, priorities change, personalities change. I guess I just didn't realize how drastically those changes could take place in such a short period of time. So many people I considered Friends (and I don't use that word lightly) just don't seem to be who they were before. I try to picture in my head what it would be like to get together with them again and I can honestly say I don't see the potential for a close friendship like we once had. I would even go as far as to say they are complete strangers.
Thank goodness some people remain grounded and change at a pace that makes them still relatable I look forward to seeing my friends Ryan and Debra in Vancouver when I go home to visit this April. There are people I communicate with via blogs and online that I wish I had spent more time with when we lived closer together like 'Madam Diva', Heather and Georgia. There are a few back home in Saskatoon I still communicate with in letters like Jordan and Karen that I know I would be able to be myself around. I remind myself that there are glimmers of hope spread all over Canada, kind people, that I know give friendship honestly and wholeheartedly, people that don't take advantage of others and call it friendship. That picks me up when I get into a funk like this. For now I meet up with the few people I have connected to when I can and when I cant I fill the void with looking for more from myself, finding private hobbies that require only my own company.
Since I began my mat leave finances have been a bit tight, we are shy an extra six hundred dollars each month that I used to bring home working full time. Chris has also been waiting for a new contract in animation to begin but the industry out here is running cold this year. We have cut back on spending where we could, we pay better attention to sales flyer's and buy things we'll need before we need them (like diapers and dish soap) if we can save the $$$ on them. I have also taken to clipping coupons and throwing them in my purse "just in case" which has come in handy on more than one occasion. I have never grown up with allot of money ~so frugal is not a foreign concept to me. Still some days its hard not to worry what will happen when my maternity benefits run out and we receive an even larger drop in income?.
There have been a few times in the last few months where things have seemed pinched, like maybe a bill would not be paid until the following month. Then right when the worry starts to creep in something happens, A card with a belated baby gift containing a check large enough to pay that bill arrives in the mail. Someone comes to purchase our extra dryer the night before the bank account is set to go into overdraft, once again the right amount of money comes at the right time. I can be prone to worry about these things obsessively if I allow myself. Chris has a much more zen mentality. "We're not going hungry, we have a roof over our heads were healthy and that's all that matters". I am starting to pay attention to the timing of these little financial saves that show up right in the nick of time and its hard to deny the belief that the universe will provide what you need.
I used to be so embarrassed about discussing finances, especially when they are not doing so well but in the almost 6 years I have been living on my own I have come to learn something about life. Its like a river current, always moving always changing. There will be times when finances are golden, you can splurge you can go out for nice dinners and afford to be generous to others. Then there will be times when you have to watch your spending and count your pennies, sometimes its a career change or a lifestyle change but finances like every other part of life are fluid. You just have to learn how to change your paddle stroke to maneuver through them best.
Life has taken a lazy turn the past few weeks, many imagined projects and ideas but little motivation to get them started. The house is in a state of chaos, which seems to be the only state it can exist in. There never seems to be a point in getting it immaculate though, as soon as we tidy it a new project gets started- never finished and piled up in whatever corner it can occupy. It took me four days to assemble two prefab bookcases last month, they should have taken 45 minutes but between taking care of the baby and the other things in life the task was painfully prolonged. I just try not to think about it too hard the clutter and debris screw with my head to the point of breakdown some days.
I have been becoming a time thief stealing moments just for me and my sanity. Sometimes they are after everyone else has gone to bed, other times I wake up before the rest of the house and have my morning shower and coffee. The recent plan is leaving Chris with the baby and doing laps around the track at the park, I still have 10 lbs of baby weight to shed and 25 to my goal weight. I have decided to try to find a hobby or passion, In fact my latest goal is to become like Dos Equis most interesting man in the world~ my new role model. I have accumulated readings on stage hypnotherapy, speaking German and martial arts. I also have a teach yourself to sing program. I am by nature more inclined to daydream then to do, so I am going to try to offer myself a reward to work for. If I lose my 25 lbs and accomplish one of the above mentioned programs I will reward myself with a Katana!!!
Being on Mat leave I have had to tighten the spending belt as of late but I have had some success in the trading department!. I collect statues called Windstones and they don't come too cheap. In my collection there were 5 pieces I bought that just didn't fit quite the way they should so I went to the online forum and found some people to trade with. I was able to get 4 paint your own Windstones (which are nearly impossible to snag when they restock in the online store). I received two Kirins (oriental unicorns) and two Unicorns, I plan on painting one of each for the baby to start her first Windstone collection :). I also found someone trying to sell the one Gryphon I am missing so I was able to trade them a few smaller pieces for the larger Gryphon. So I was able to get 5 new statues that I have been wanting at the cost of shipping. Now I'm just waiting patiently for the Gryphon to arrive and the time to start painting the others.
Other than that I'm just living life at a slow pace and planning, plotting and waiting, My family should be moved out here in a month and I cant wait to have them around!!!. I may go back to work part time for two half days just to start making some Christmas plans $$$. Chris is going back home (Sask) for a wedding in October and I need to get my ass in high gear making our Halloween costumes. I also had an Epiphany the other day, there are tons of children in this neighbourhood, so Halloween should be awesome~full of little grubby trick or treater's!!!. I can hardly wait!.
A movie about lovable huggable rats.....yeeuck! But I watched this movie when it first came out on dvd. No harm no foul it was a decent Pixar movie where I made the mistake was deciding to watch the bonus features, namely the the featurette "your friend the rat". This little short goes into details about the brown rats history etc., Anyhow somewhere in this film they let me know rats have been known to come up through toilets. Needless to say for about a month or two the toilet was a feature of concern for me, but as time passed the concern went away completely forgotten.
Fast forward to 2010 almost 3 years later and I have moved to a home of my own in a nice quiet neighbourhood, only a five minute walk from schools and the park. Now it has happened on not one, not two but three occasions while walking by the little canal bordering the park I have seen Muskrats! that's right MUSKRATS! Have I mentioned how close I live to the park???
Anyhow the Muskrat sightings mixed with the information gleaned from Ratatouille has turned into a full on phobia of a rat coming up through my toilet. I can no longer sit on my toilet without watching it to make sure air bubbles aren't coming up through the drain. This past week it has even become a fixation I cant seem to shake from my head, a paranoia even though I haven't seen a Muskrat since March or April. I'm not entirely sure how to combat this fear, I have seriously considered just doing my business in a bucket and flushing it down after to avoid a sneak attack.
Hopefully it will pass but as it stands I spend the minimum amount of time I have to on the commode, how will I be able to help the baby potty train with no fear of the toilet if I dread its use every day????.
I have started watching America's got talent a couple of weeks ago and I can't help but feel inspired by the contestants to find a hobby in life. So many people both the good and the bad feel so much passion for whatever it is they are doing whether it be singing, dancing or something a bit more extreme. A particular guest on the show is just fabulous! he has created a character for himself that really seems to make him happy,Prince Poppycock, it got me thinking....
Some people are so flamboyant and eccentric it makes me wonder sometimes what the world would be like if we all let out our inner oddities rather than try so hard to fit the imaginary mold of normal. What if we said what we meant?, and did what made us happy regardless of talent level or other peoples perceptions?. I turned 27 this year, a good year for getting to know your real self. Once you hit your late 20's early 30's I think its safe to say if you have any ability to internally reflect, you know who you are. The challenge now is to motivate yourself to do those things you didn't have the confidence to do in your earlier years. I'm not sure where this inspiration might lead but I am hoping it will take me somewhere exciting, while on my mat leave I need to find a way to have me time to make my own brand of magic to share with the world.
I absolutely love this band "Rhapsody of fire" along with a few other symphonic metal groups. This band is exactly like a band I wanted to front a few years ago called Bad Wizard. Perhaps one of these days I will get around to writing that album and setting up my band.....perhaps....
This week outside of the library downtown I found a four leaf clover while walking by. A few days later while walking by the library again I found a second one!. Two lucky clovers this month, one for us and one for family and friends that's where I wish the luck and prosperity to go :).
So I turned 27, Its pretty funny how two years ago on my 25th Birthday I was in a completely different place emotionally than I am now. At 25 I was feeling like a failure. I had planned (ahhh those plans)to already have a house, be married, a mother, have a career etc. Where was I? working customer service living in a rented basement suite watching as it seemed everyone else in life was having those milestone moments. As happy as I was for everyone, believe me I was!!. I couldn't help but feel a bit of envy and almost like I was being left behind. The whole world seemed to be moving forward and while I wasn't doing badly I felt like I was at a stand still.
Today I have a house, I'm engaged to the man of my dreams who also happens to be my best friend, I have a beautiful baby girl, two sweet little dogs and I have to say I'm truly happy. The funny thing is life stayed at a slow pace until about July of last year, changes started to happen fast and furious from the time we bought our car last year. July- new car, August- vacation home to visit loved ones, August/Sept- discovered we were pregnant, December- bought a house, Feb- got engaged, May- had a baby. Nothing happened when and how I thought it would but it did eventually happen. Life doesn't stay stagnant forever, it tends to happen to you while you live it. What have I learned in the last two years, I have learned that plans and goals are always nice to have but they are not made of cement they have to have room to move and shift or else they will crack and split apart and leave you frustrated.
What did I do for my birthday this year?. We wanted to drive up to Inverness beach but about halfway there (its about a 4 hour drive) the baby started to get a bit fussy so we opted to go check out Baddeck instead, we have been in Nova Scotia for 3 three years and we had never been there before. So we walked about with the dogs and baby, watching sailboats and checking out gift shops, the weather was beautiful we had some ice cream and pizza for lunch~in that order and made our way back home.
We rested for awhile around the house, then we packed up the baby and the puppies and went down to the drive in theater to see Shrek 4 and Karate Kid. Best idea EVER for people with babies and baby dogs!!. It only cost $15.00 per carload, the sound doest have to be too loud you have privacy to breastfeed the baby during the show. You don't have to worry about being the douche bag with the screaming baby ruining everyone Else's movie. You can bring your own food, we had Wendy's and brought our own chips and candy. It had been almost a full decade since the last time I had been to a drive in theater (wow that was an old lady thing to say) , I can guarantee this will be something we do frequently over the summer. I had a great time and I know the whole family did as well (especially the dogs! as they spent the entire day with us no staying at home while we went out).
Today was a great day for family fun! The sun was bright it was nice and hot outside. Chris and I decided to pack up the baby and the dogs, stop at the Tim Horton's drive thru and nab a couple of iced caps (one of my favourite things about summer) and go to the beach. We drove down to the beach and had it all to ourselves being the middle of the day in the middle of the week. Ahhhh funemployment!!. The dogs and Chris took a run along the beach and the baby cuddled up to me in her snugli under my light weight poncho. We only stayed at the beach for about 20 minutes as the wind was pretty strong in front of the water and we worried it may be too cold for the baby. We then decided to pack up the car again and make our way down to our old neighbourhood to stroll through the wooded trails they have there.
We started our walk with an encounter with three horse riders leaving the trail as we entered, Mushu and Foxy had no idea what the heck the horses were and would have loved to go sniff them. I'm just thankful they didn't start barking and scare the horses as two of the three riders were just young girls. We were in the woods for about an hour or so and then made our way back home. I'm glad we are still able to go out and do things even after the baby has arrived, The few bad weather days I have been house bound have been a bit boring and I'm grateful for the walks and day trips we have been taking each chance we get.
Yesterday I had planned to have the girls from work over for a brunch to say thanks for all the nice things they did for me and the baby, everyone said that Monday worked for them, so I cleaned up the house and made a crap load of food. Monday morning comes and most of the girls have to cancel for one reason or another. It could have been a crappy day if I let it but I didn't. My friend Emily did show up, and I haven't seen her in about two years because she was in Europe. I was able to catch up with her for a few hours which was nice and that evening I was also able to watch True Blood. All the leftover food worked out good for dinner and even lunch for today. Instead of being upset I'm going to see all the positive points, The house will now only need a quick upkeep clean this weekend before Chris's Mom arrives to visit. I learned how to make really yummy cucumber sandwiches~something I have never tried making before, I was finally able to use my three tier serving platter which I have had for two years. I learned that I could still pull off being a great hostess with a baby in tow.
All my positive energy and outlook was there, When Chris came home he looked sad and turned to me and said, I'm sorry today didn't work out as planned. I just looked at him and said "don't pity me!", I'm getting used to life throwing those curve balls into all of my plans. The best way to cope I'm finding is to see your plans like a river, they are always there but they move and change from moment to moment, you need to learn how to paddle through the placid waters but be prepared to rough the rapids. I guess the baby's Zen like calm is rubbing off on me. I will try again to have my get together maybe just meet up with smaller groups at a time, that way its easier for people to juggle their schedules.
Last week Chris and I were waiting in the car at the Sobey's parking lot for my Mom and Dad. The Sobey's has a liquor store attached to it and we were parked closer to the liquor store entrance than the grocery entrance. A few minutes after my parents had gone into the grocery store we hear someones car coming from behind with their stereo system blasting out their tunes. A mini van comes into view speeding up to the liquor store, the song polluting the ears of all those unlucky enough to be near the parking lot happens to be "the Macarena".
Chris and I look at each other and I say " WOW, I have got to see who steps out of the van", Chris laughs apparently he was thinking the same thing. The door pops open and some 40 year old frumpy Mom comes out and dashes into the liquor store. What would possess her to be playing that song so loud, she wouldn't have even been in her prime influential years when that song came out. We collectively decided the only people more pitiful than this woman clinging to the love of her 1995-1996 one hit wonder 'the Macarena' are all those poor schmucks who lost their virginity to that song!. ouch!
I have decided that this poor blog has been neglected as of late, so I have a new blog goal. Once a week I have to share a little known fact about me.
This weeks little known fact about me. The art if Michael Parke's makes me squeamish. I love the whimsical nature of his art, but I find allot of his figures have weird fatty deposits on their bodies. This odd placement of pudge makes me feel sick to my stomach, seriously I'm gagging as I post the images, It also happens when I see wet food bits in the sink drain. Now you could show me a real photograph of a nude morbidly obese person and I would be indifferent. Its the placement of the fat that makes me feel uncomfortable, like the fleshy wings of his sphinx characters.
Other pieces give me the odd sense of deja vu, like I have had nightmares I cant remember, containing these figures. Art doesn't normally elicit feelings out of me I either like or dislike it.....as for Michael Parke's I haven't decided which side of the coin he falls on yet.