Lately I have been feeling a bit alone in life. Yes I have Chris, the baby, my family, That is all good. I have more than allot of people do in life and I am very grateful for the blessings I do have. So what am I missing? whats the problem?.
All of my life when I have made close friends with someone it seemed it would not be long before they moved away (in more recent years it has been I that did the moving). The theme has been with me from kindergarten right up to present day. I have been on this coast for nearly 5 years now and managed to connect with only two girls out here. One moved away and now lives in another city, we recently got back in touch online and send letters which I really enjoy :). The other left for Europe for 2-3 years and just moved back home a few months ago, she is a sweetheart but our schedules make meeting up at times a bit difficult.
I have tried connecting to other people and we do have fun at times, but it doesn't come naturally, its hard to be yourself. There are always people you can chat up and have fun with but its so hard to find the type of people you can really connect to. I guess I would best describe it as superficial friendships, people who you like but your values are just different enough you can never really get close to them. I also suffer from severe social anxiety, there are days I feel like everyone enjoys my company to my face as a social nicety but when I walk away they sigh with relief.
I figured why not check up on Facebook and see what old friends were up to, but I think that has only made the problem worse. I know people change, life gives you new experiences to learn and grow from, priorities change, personalities change. I guess I just didn't realize how drastically those changes could take place in such a short period of time. So many people I considered Friends (and I don't use that word lightly) just don't seem to be who they were before. I try to picture in my head what it would be like to get together with them again and I can honestly say I don't see the potential for a close friendship like we once had. I would even go as far as to say they are complete strangers.
Thank goodness some people remain grounded and change at a pace that makes them still relatable I look forward to seeing my friends Ryan and Debra in Vancouver when I go home to visit this April. There are people I communicate with via blogs and online that I wish I had spent more time with when we lived closer together like 'Madam Diva', Heather and Georgia. There are a few back home in Saskatoon I still communicate with in letters like Jordan and Karen that I know I would be able to be myself around. I remind myself that there are glimmers of hope spread all over Canada, kind people, that I know give friendship honestly and wholeheartedly, people that don't take advantage of others and call it friendship. That picks me up when I get into a funk like this. For now I meet up with the few people I have connected to when I can and when I cant I fill the void with looking for more from myself, finding private hobbies that require only my own company.