Sunday, November 23, 2008

a new low...

I cant sleep, I was feeling great tonight. I thought the best way to end my night would be to have a constructive talk with the boyfriend about our future, hash out some plans and get prepared to make and meet goals to get our life on track. It has been easy enough to remain optimistic the past few months by keeping my mind on the present and not going to much further than my dreams and basic needs. Tonight I made the fatal mistake of trying to apply reality to my dreams. From that moment on the night has taken a turn for the worst and I'm still dealing with that crushing weight of self defeat.

I know essentially its my own fault, realistically I have no one to blame for the way I'm feeling but me, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to lash out and find a villain in this to turn my anger towards. An external foe who can take the brunt of my frustration and pain without turning it towards myself so soon. So I will start by blaming society... why because it is such an easy villain to peg at the moment, before I work up the courage to go to the true source.

Society I blame you, I blame you for filling my head full of lies from the day I was born. I blame you for every fairy tale that has ever ended with 'happily ever after', or every story where good triumphs over evil. From that point on you have told me throughout my life that I only need to be a good person and in the end I will be rewarded. I blame every teacher in the school system, every new age quack and every self help author for telling people that they can do and be whatever they want to be in life, as long as they believe. I blame every person who has looked me squarely in the eye and told me I had talent, or worth in this life and kept a straight face. To all these people I would love to say a bright and merry FUCK-YOU!.

Fuck-you for building me this false reality in which I began to make plans and dream dreams. Fuck-you for letting me invest my soul so deeply into this charade of a life you told me awaited me when I left the protection of youth. I hold more worth in every ASSHOLE who has told me I will amount to nothing, that I'm living in a fantasy world and that life is shit, do you want to know why?. Because if I had ever succeeded in proving these people wrong the glass would always be half full and I would have been content with what I fight to earn and accomplish today. Instead the majority of you sick sadistic fucks told me I would be reaching stars and watched me fall from these unrealistic goals like a lead weight to the bottom of the pond. Now I'm drowning in my failure to achieve even the most modest of my dreams and wondering why the hell I even bother to try for that much anymore. I am the King Midas of shit, I can see and envision things of beauty and worth but the second I reach my hand for them I am left with a steaming pile of crap.

Now that I am done blaming the world (which I know has no real hand in my failures but it did help me turn the tears to anger for a moment)Its time to be honest about where the true fault lies. Right here with me. I am a chicken shit! I have lived and breathed every falsehood preached to me from my youth turning an ignorant eye to any evidence of the contrary. I'm looking at life right now and seeing the difference between reality and a dream. When I was younger I had no doubt in my mind I would have a successful career at 25, I would be married and I would own a home. I would, by those standards already be a parent of at least one child and I would be around my family and friends.

Currently I am 25 years old, unmarried, working retail/ customer service, renting, childless, on the complete opposite side of the country from everyone I care for except for my boyfriend (thank the gods) and I have hit a wall. I am at the point in my life where I should have accomplished at least one of these goals by now...and nothing. I have even rearranged a few of my priorities to account for the time in my life I have WASTED and no matter how many of my dreams I let slip through my fingers it feels like nothing will ever be possible. My boyfriend and I have been having the same discussion for a few years, where do we want to settle down? we cant even agree on that point after all this time. It seems like the only way to make one of us happy will be at the expense of the others happiness. Now I know as much as anyone else that life is NOT fair, I have learned that lesson well a few years back. It doesn't mean that each new disappointment doesn't make me shake my head and wonder why?. Why is it some people are allowed to have it all while the rest of us are stuck with life's scraps??.

Today the harsh reality of time has finally caught up with me, it boils down to do or die, If I don't start to have a family now, its too late. I don't want to be a new mother on the cusp of menopause, just because science can make it happen that doesn't mean we should. That being said bumping these plans up means that the wedding before children is a no go. I refuse to have my children at my wedding, as if I could afford my dream wedding after we have kids, if I cant have the wedding I dreamed of having what the hell is the fucking point. I'm not wasting any amount of money for a piece of shit ceremony I don't want at city hall just to legalise my relationship in the eyes of a government I sure as hell didn't vote for!!!!. I'm sure at this rate I will not have the luxury of having my family or my in laws be any part of my child's life as the only decent work options for the boyfriend are on this side of the country. I sure as hell will not work full time minimum wage to pay someone else to raise my kid for me elsewhere. I'm just waiting now, with my luck the walk in clinic doctor (because no real doctor in their right mind would move to this shit hole therefore I have no family doctor on this coast)will tell me I have uterine cancer. If that's the case I just don't give a flying fuck anymore let me hurry the fuck up and die and end all of this bullshit once and for all!.

I'm sure when I read this tomorrow I will feel like a drama queen but for tonight this is where my head is at. Its painful to watch a carefully cultivated and beloved dream burst into a million unsalvagable pieces before your eyes. I am lucky to have someone in this world who loves me so much, I have a great family who are healthy and seem to be happy, I have fantastic friends its those things I will focus on tomorrow when I dust myself off and search desperately for my options in life but tonight I mourn. I mourn the final death of my innocence because tonight there will never be another chance to truly dream with abandon again.