Dear Kraft Dinner, (and I use the word dinner loosely)
You are responsible for ruining my lazy afternoon lunch and or snack on not one, not two but three separate occasions. I was unaware that you had been designing a new and improved version of yourself, a "healthy alternative" of your former identity. As I browsed the grocery aisle and leisurely tossed you into my shopping cart I had no idea the cruel jest that was being played on me.
A few days later I was about to find out. I found myself lounging on my couch clad in my p.j's playing a game of Dragon Age, tired, lazy and more importantly hungry. Who do I rely upon in my hour of need, why my good friend K.D of course, K.D has been nothing but a steadfast friend over the years offering me the quick fix of cheesy/ noodly goodness that such a day desires NAY in fact requires!!! .
I go to the pot of boiling water on my stove top and fish my cheese packet out from the box and pour my noodles in said water. As they fill the pot I notice a brownish hue rather than the bright yellow lustre they usually present..... Something is amiss. I take a second look at the box and there it is, "made with 50% whole grain".
First of all K.D what are you trying to prove? You have been a staple in many a childhood for a few generations (since the 1930's) already. Honestly in today's day and age of instant gratification and busy schedules are you really concerned about being outsourced to healthier options?. Let me tell you had I been looking for a healthy alternative your 'whole grain' would not have swayed me. I would have been in the damn produce/ deli section looking for the healthy bits and pieces required to make a time consuming, Canada food guide approved sandwich for lunch.
Are you trying to boost the self esteem of white trash mom's across North America, that despite the lack of time and effort they are putting into their children's meals they are still making "good choices" for their families?. Do you really think the few extra whole grains are going to make up for the health effects of your mysterious powdered/ endless shelf life "cheese"?.
Or do I have it all wrong? are you attempting to reach the higher class organic/ rice cake mom's. Well if that's your plan K.D I'm afraid you fail again, these moms are well read and educated. They not only pay attention to the nutritional labels they understand what it all means, they don't mind shopping in the higher budget sections of the grocery stores to get the very best. They are out of your league my friend, sometimes if you aim for the heavens you don't land among the stars, you just have a longer drop to the bottom.
But take heart K.D, all is not lost. When you stop trying to be something you're not with that cheese covered shit in a bowl you call whole grain goodness, and get back to your roots with original and extra cheesy blends, I think you'll find your going to be okay. I for one will be glad to not have accidentally grabbed the wrong package, and to not have had to waste precious minutes in the grocery store sorting through my "options" of Kraft Dinner of all things. You will always have college kids, lazy parents and low income families to rely upon, you know your tried and true friends. So step away from the dark side K.D and try just being yourself because we like you just the way you are.