I am not only bored but on a ridiculous sleep cycle that absolutely needs to be corrected by tomorrow or else I run the risk of a really crappy work week. I have been living the last few days like a bloody Vampire (no pun intended!), I have been sleeping all day and up from about 4:00p.m to 6:00a.m. I feel drained of energy and wonder if maybe I have mono or there is a gas leak in the house!!.
My fridge is apparently in worse condition than we thought and may take yet another week to repair, so meals have been fun to plan. Nothing that cant sit out in the frosty entryway (my temporary fridge) without running the risk of making us sick. I am still trying to eat up all of the thawed out goods before they spoil and I'm realising now I may have to concede a few culinary causalities. Other than that though my past few evenings have been for lack of a better word fairly stagnant. I haven't been out of bed early enough to go out anywhere that may still be open other than the video store to pick up some video game rentals with the boyfriend.
I have tried my hand at some watercolor painting and while it is not horrible I am less than pleased with my slow progress. I find myself wanting to break out the Acrylics and finish the job off that way. I think my real deterrent with watercolor is the wait time, I hate having to wait until the water is dried up to keep working. Watercolor is not an art form for the impatient I am learning, so I will either have to give it up or find my inner zen state to keep at it. I will for now give this trial run in watercolor a C-.
I received a package in the mail today!!! My Labyrinth Ludo plush and door knocker!! I didn't even have the energy to get out of bed when the postman was at the door, The boyfriend came back to the bedroom with my package and put it next to me in an effort to coax some enthusiasm. It was promptly kicked out of bed and forgotten for another hour of sleep. I think my game plan tonight will be to pull an all nighter and stay up until tomorrow night in an effort to be exhausted enough to have an early nights rest. I really feel like I have wasted a week of my life that could have been spent on worthier pursuits than vegging out on season one of 'True Blood' and playing "Fallout 3".
On the plus side my Christmas shopping is done!!! I just have to get everything together to be shipped out but that may have to wait until next week when I have some energy!
I'm feeling better now. I needed a day or two to think and to talk. I may not have all the answers but I wont get anywhere if I give in to my feelings of defeat. I may not have everything I'm wanting in life but I have whats important and what is vital for my survival. I have a great partner, a supportive and loving family, two snuggable little dogs, wonderful friends, I'm healthy, with food, clothing and a home. While a few years have passed me by with little to show for them I'm not doing as badly as I could be. Its just time to up my game and start to make new plans, plans that are a bit more grounded in reality. Reality may not be where my heart wants to wander, but my reality is not bad either.
I may not be married yet but at least I didn't marry the wrong person too early. I may not have a great career yet, but at least I didn't go into student debt to be at the same place I am right now like allot of young people. I may not have traveled the world but I have seen and lived in three of our Provinces and may one day see more of this great Country yet. I may not have a baby yet but I think were ready to start that dream sooner than previously discussed. Our family may not be there for the first few months or years of our first babies life but that doesn't mean we cant move closer to home one day later. I can look myself in the mirror each day and honestly say Im a good person, I work hard, Im honest, Loyal and I try to be as kind as I can to every living thing....even if sometimes I dont really want to be!. I worry about and send positive energy out to my loved ones and when I know I have said or done something hurtful to others I do regret it and try to make ammends. I am successful in life. I may not be rich or famous, but I didnt have to stab backs and ruin lives to be where I am either, sometimes a change in perspective can help you see all the things to be glad about.
I just have to keep my life a bit more flexible and remember that I may not move mountains and have my name written in the history books but people I meet along my travels remember me. I have friends across the country, I make people laugh, I make people think and I try to be there to help as I'm needed. I may not make history but I can at least make someones day here or there and that may not seem important but I think the world would be a better place if we all gave it a try sometime. So today I'm going to make the choice to stand up put one foot in front of the other and get my shit together, its only to late when I'm dead!!!!
I cant sleep, I was feeling great tonight. I thought the best way to end my night would be to have a constructive talk with the boyfriend about our future, hash out some plans and get prepared to make and meet goals to get our life on track. It has been easy enough to remain optimistic the past few months by keeping my mind on the present and not going to much further than my dreams and basic needs. Tonight I made the fatal mistake of trying to apply reality to my dreams. From that moment on the night has taken a turn for the worst and I'm still dealing with that crushing weight of self defeat.
I know essentially its my own fault, realistically I have no one to blame for the way I'm feeling but me, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to lash out and find a villain in this to turn my anger towards. An external foe who can take the brunt of my frustration and pain without turning it towards myself so soon. So I will start by blaming society... why because it is such an easy villain to peg at the moment, before I work up the courage to go to the true source.
Society I blame you, I blame you for filling my head full of lies from the day I was born. I blame you for every fairy tale that has ever ended with 'happily ever after', or every story where good triumphs over evil. From that point on you have told me throughout my life that I only need to be a good person and in the end I will be rewarded. I blame every teacher in the school system, every new age quack and every self help author for telling people that they can do and be whatever they want to be in life, as long as they believe. I blame every person who has looked me squarely in the eye and told me I had talent, or worth in this life and kept a straight face. To all these people I would love to say a bright and merry FUCK-YOU!.
Fuck-you for building me this false reality in which I began to make plans and dream dreams. Fuck-you for letting me invest my soul so deeply into this charade of a life you told me awaited me when I left the protection of youth. I hold more worth in every ASSHOLE who has told me I will amount to nothing, that I'm living in a fantasy world and that life is shit, do you want to know why?. Because if I had ever succeeded in proving these people wrong the glass would always be half full and I would have been content with what I fight to earn and accomplish today. Instead the majority of you sick sadistic fucks told me I would be reaching stars and watched me fall from these unrealistic goals like a lead weight to the bottom of the pond. Now I'm drowning in my failure to achieve even the most modest of my dreams and wondering why the hell I even bother to try for that much anymore. I am the King Midas of shit, I can see and envision things of beauty and worth but the second I reach my hand for them I am left with a steaming pile of crap.
Now that I am done blaming the world (which I know has no real hand in my failures but it did help me turn the tears to anger for a moment)Its time to be honest about where the true fault lies. Right here with me. I am a chicken shit! I have lived and breathed every falsehood preached to me from my youth turning an ignorant eye to any evidence of the contrary. I'm looking at life right now and seeing the difference between reality and a dream. When I was younger I had no doubt in my mind I would have a successful career at 25, I would be married and I would own a home. I would, by those standards already be a parent of at least one child and I would be around my family and friends.
Currently I am 25 years old, unmarried, working retail/ customer service, renting, childless, on the complete opposite side of the country from everyone I care for except for my boyfriend (thank the gods) and I have hit a wall. I am at the point in my life where I should have accomplished at least one of these goals by now...and nothing. I have even rearranged a few of my priorities to account for the time in my life I have WASTED and no matter how many of my dreams I let slip through my fingers it feels like nothing will ever be possible. My boyfriend and I have been having the same discussion for a few years, where do we want to settle down? we cant even agree on that point after all this time. It seems like the only way to make one of us happy will be at the expense of the others happiness. Now I know as much as anyone else that life is NOT fair, I have learned that lesson well a few years back. It doesn't mean that each new disappointment doesn't make me shake my head and wonder why?. Why is it some people are allowed to have it all while the rest of us are stuck with life's scraps??.
Today the harsh reality of time has finally caught up with me, it boils down to do or die, If I don't start to have a family now, its too late. I don't want to be a new mother on the cusp of menopause, just because science can make it happen that doesn't mean we should. That being said bumping these plans up means that the wedding before children is a no go. I refuse to have my children at my wedding, as if I could afford my dream wedding after we have kids, if I cant have the wedding I dreamed of having what the hell is the fucking point. I'm not wasting any amount of money for a piece of shit ceremony I don't want at city hall just to legalise my relationship in the eyes of a government I sure as hell didn't vote for!!!!. I'm sure at this rate I will not have the luxury of having my family or my in laws be any part of my child's life as the only decent work options for the boyfriend are on this side of the country. I sure as hell will not work full time minimum wage to pay someone else to raise my kid for me elsewhere. I'm just waiting now, with my luck the walk in clinic doctor (because no real doctor in their right mind would move to this shit hole therefore I have no family doctor on this coast)will tell me I have uterine cancer. If that's the case I just don't give a flying fuck anymore let me hurry the fuck up and die and end all of this bullshit once and for all!.
I'm sure when I read this tomorrow I will feel like a drama queen but for tonight this is where my head is at. Its painful to watch a carefully cultivated and beloved dream burst into a million unsalvagable pieces before your eyes. I am lucky to have someone in this world who loves me so much, I have a great family who are healthy and seem to be happy, I have fantastic friends its those things I will focus on tomorrow when I dust myself off and search desperately for my options in life but tonight I mourn. I mourn the final death of my innocence because tonight there will never be another chance to truly dream with abandon again.
I should note that yesterday my fridge died....all of our frozen goods in the freezer thawed out and I was up until 4:00 a.m frying $50.00 worth of fish in an effort to save them. The back door has a small entry way to the backyard, with it being November its pretty fricken cold out there so our entry is our current fridge, The boyfriend and I will be eating ALOT of fish in the next day or two and keeping our fingers crossed we avoid food poisoning. Needless to say this may help to kick start that avoiding seafood in the new year goal if I gorge myself like a Seal on it now!. That's all we can do until the repair guy shows up, which may not be until Monday so....good times.....
So I will start this post by saying I'm not a girl who enjoys allot of drama!. I try to associate with men or like minded women. You know the rare breed easy going, not into the regular bullshit of creating gossip/drama and bitch attitudes, but there are some places in life where you cant control who your stuck in a room with all day.
I already posted about the sweet new schedule at work and how much I'm enjoying it, apparently someone is less than enthusiastic about it. Yesterday that certain coworker who quit and returned to work a few weeks later felt the need to attempt to corner me into changing it to accommodate her. Lets start the ball rolling here by saying that when I started this job a year ago my original schedule was pretty good, four days a week, Tuesday-Friday every weekend off. I volunteered to switch my shifts around so this person would have the weekends off because she was having issues with another co-worker. That said my continued kindness was slowly repaid with constant attitude which I have only so much patience for in the first place. I kept my mouth shut in an attempt to be civilised and professional at work, which I am now discovering is a lost cause because it takes more than one person to accomplish this.
But lets return to yesterday. She had waited until my boss had left for the day and we were both working alone in the back. She and I were having what I thought was a decent conversation when she had started to talk about thinking about career options. I had told her it may be a good idea to contact companies in the fields she was interested in to do some job shadowing on her days off before committing to classes to make her decision easier to narrow down. This turned the conversation to the schedule, she turned to me and said
"Well I hate this new schedule, I don't think its fair that you get the schedule your wanting and I get stuck with having to deal with it, I have been working here for almost nine years and no other work place would give you a schedule like that".
Now this girl is in her early twenties and this is the ONLY job she has ever had since having started here in high school, excluding her recent three week hiatus which she had quit to return back to the Bakery. What I wanted to tell her was, "You have never worked anywhere in the real world so don't try to tell me how a "normal schedule" works, second no other job would have an employee quit, fill their position with someone else, then hire them back and put them right back into the same position that was currently occupied". Apparently that type of personal favour is alright in her books as long as she benefits from it.
But I kept that to myself in my attempt at being the reasonable adult this situation was needing so I told her "Well your going to have to talk to the boss about this, its a scheduling issue and I don't really have any control over the situation".
Well she didn't like that to much she countered with " I already talked to them about it and they are just going to give you what you want, So I'm just asking YOU if you'll work every Sunday because that's the only day I want off".
I was polite and said " Well then I would never have a full weekend off, I get every second weekend off this way and I like it like that".
she got angrier and countered with the sarcasm "Well I hope your happy with it, I have been here for nine years and you've only been here for one so its not fair".
I looked at her calmly and smiled while I told her "I really do it like thanks"
She scowled at me and said " well good I'm glad your happy"
"I am and You know what?, when I first started here I changed my schedule around to be accommodating to you and I was only ever rewarded with attitude".
she started to protest that "no when you started here you worked the schedule they gave you"
I politely corrected her and told her " No, when I started here I was Tues-Fri, I took your weekends when you and 'so and so' were not getting along and in return you started to get snotty with me. If you don't like the new schedule I'm sorry but its your own fault, I didn't want to keep working with you because of your bad attitude and that is why we are now on opposite shifts for most of the work week. So now it boils down to you made your bed now you lay in it".
She wasn't to happy with that and started to tell me she was not giving me attitude, and I told her "you know I'm sure your not meaning it to come across as attitude but it does and I'm tired of it".
Personally I'm proud of myself because I kept it as professional as I could muster without turning it into a full on fight. She dropped the subject after that and we both behaved as if the conversation never happened. Lets hope it stays that way too. If she wants a fight, in the future the gloves come off and I'm sorry to say it but she has no idea how the bitch game is truly played, but if she wants to learn from a master I will be glad to teach her.
Now that just about covers the drama, time for a movie!!! Today I went to go see Twilight, the feminist in me hisses every time I admit I'm a pseudo fan, But the girly girl in me cant help but be drawn in. I even convinced the boyfriend to come with me under the pretense it was research... (I am hoping to start a teen fiction trilogy in the not to distant future, I have had the story idea with me for a few years now I'm just trying to figure out how best to reach my target audience). So gold star for the boyfriend he gets a cookie :)!!!.
We got to the theater about 45 minutes early hoping we had time to grab a ticket...sold out!!! not only sold out but every show except the last one was sold . So what did I do? I bought tickets to Zach and Miri make a porno to kill the two and some hours until showtime. Zach and Miri was pretty funny, classic Kevin Smith lovable characters with more offensive dialog than even myself. The one surprise in this film for me was Jason Mewes, now in every Kevin Smith film I have ever watched Jason Mewes is always one half of Jay and silent Bob. I remember watching a Kevin Smith interview in which he was saying Jason was pretty much a man whore and the first thing that came to my mind was ewww really who would sleep with that?. Now I'm watching Zach and Miri and along comes this surprisingly cute, clean cut baby faced blonde and I'm thinking who is that? he looks so familiar? who does it turn out to be but our dear friend Jay!!! all cleaned up. I have to tell you not bad, the tattoos were also quite sexy. There was a whole world of cute potential I was blind to! that being said.....hes still kinda dirty, but in the hes sexy but wear a rubber kind of way-rather than the gross kind you wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.
Now about half an hour into the movie I go out for a washroom break and to my horror a line has already started, I can only assume for Twilight by the 12 years and up demographic. I almost get trampled by a pack of giggling, shrieking Tweens on my way out of the washroom, I go back in to the movie and let the boyfriend know of the impending gong show!. By the time our movie is finished there is still nearly an hour until our next show starts, we walk out of the theater and there is a line of about 150 tween-teenage girls awaiting their Vampire romance fix!. I laugh internally at the boyfriend who for a split second looked like a trapped animal ready to gnaw his leg off and run and proceeded to find our place in line. Luckily we had the tickets for another less volatile line which we decided to get in while the getting was good.
So many young girls all screeching and laughing, While normally I have a zero tolerance policy on teen girls I was in a good mood tonight and they didn't bother me. It was cute to watch their excitement and remember when my friends and I were at the age where we could be dropped off at the theater together and pretend to be all grown up. So many girls wearing t-shirts reading 'I "heart" Edward Cullen', or 'Twilight' and even a few homemade t-shirts decorated with fabric paint proclaiming their teen love of this fictional character. I watched it all in good humour and let the memories of days long since past flood my mind, Over all it was a good night, a decent movie, no classic but not bad for the demographic its trying to reach. The one downside...I'm starting to realise I may be getting to old for some things, I'm still watching teen flicks while the real world is moving on without me. I know its only a matter of time before I'm forced to grow up and that really does make me sad.
What has the world missed??? a few changes, We'll start with work and go from there.
The last month of work has been pretty good, the girl who had quit has come back to the bakery. We didn't really need the two of us working side by side everyday so I spoke to my boss and we rearranged my schedule so that I am able to have more time off. Every second week to be exact, It works out that I work one week on and have a week off for myself every two weeks. I'm loving it!!! By the time my week is done I'm ready and cheerful for the structure of another work week. One of our new girls quit but no one really seemed to mind as she had an attitude problem. We also lost one girl to Alberta and another to Scotland, I will miss those two and I hope their adventures are starting out good. We have hired one more girl after the others left and she is really friendly as well as a hard worker, its refreshing to see someone come along with some common sense and good work ethic, a few of the younger girls we have tried out have had one or two shifts and gone A.W.O.L.
I have been spending the extra time off trying a few new art pieces, I have completed my mermaid painting and am quite happy with it. I have also finished an owl painting for my bedroom in hues of oranges and browns. I have made a few throw cushions for my bed in the same color scheme. I have acquired a large bolt of chocolate corduroy fabric which I plan on sewing into a new duvet cover to tie the fall inspired colors of my room together. My creative drive has not left me yet which I'm thankful for!.
In the kitchen I have fallen in love with a new pie recipe I have developed for three pear pie, with baked Gruyere in the crust. I have modified it from an apple pie recipe adding a few tweaks here and there for flavour, the idea was inspired by Pushing Daisies. I am a huge fan of that show, I can say its the only program I watch religiously! If you haven't seen it yet I highly recommend it!. Last week I took my first stab at baking gluten free bread as a side enterprise to make some money. I made about 7 loaves which are now at the bakery awaiting their chance at being given away as samples in order to receive some feedback!!. So far two of loaves have made it out into the world. * fingers crossed they are a hit!!! if not back to the drawing board :). I myself tried one of the loaves and found it to be decent it had more of a tea biscuit flavour to it than a sandwich bread, but it should be good for breakfast with jam or butter!!. I also took a try at a dog cookie recipe and my pups loved it!!!, I made them peanut butter apple bombs, I think they knew these cookies were just for them as they sat in front the oven sniffing while they baked.
Speaking of my fur-babies it was Mushu's 2nd Birthday a few days ago! We are not sure what day Foxy's birthday is on as she was an adult when we got her, so they celebrated together. We took them into the local pet shop where they were man-handled by a few older ladies who just fell in love with them. They got a new squeak toy, soft food, some bones and pig ears!!. They loved it!! I also spent all day singing happy birthday to them...which they liked enough to dance around me when ever I started. I'm glad I had the day off with them, the weather was poor that day but we made up for it a few days earlier (memorial day) by taking a walk along the beach when we had sunshine.
Thanksgiving..... was quiet just the boyfriend and myself, we had stuffed tofurkey and roasted squash...not really a big hit with either of us, but one more step towards an animal free diet. It has been almost a year since I cut out farmed animals. I am still currently eating dairy and fish but hope to begin to limit my intake of these in the new year. Another step towards a healthier lifestyle is the addition of an exercise bike to our home!. I am looking forward to kick starting a new fitness schedule this month in the hopes of losing 20lbs. I have finally hit the age where my metabolism has slowed and I cant eat everything I want without consequences. I want to be sure to drop this extra weight before we start trying to have a baby so when I gain the extra weight I'm not going to be obese.
Halloween...also quiet, not alot of fun when you have no friends/ family around to party with, so it was another quiet night to add to our pile of disappointing holidays this year. Christmas prediction......crap. We will not be going home for the holidays and we have already bought and given each other our presents early. Not that I get to worked up for Christmas anyhow but I am getting pretty sick of the stagnant state of our social life. Its great to keep in contact with friends and family online but it would nice to be there with them for the good/bad times. I think maybe a move out west is in the foreseeable future I don't know how much longer I want to be in this state of isolation, Affordable or not. Needless to say Im home sick the question is which home do i miss the most Vancouver or Saskatoon? At this point they both look pretty good!.